I can change my life...

I came across this interesting MTV video song call Life sung by this young Japanese teenage singer and composer call Yui.

Why I say it is interesting is because it has a part that says "I can change my life"... which is part of what I'm feeling now. I guess I just want to go on into something more interesting or more passionate about.

There is a repeated line in the song that kind of hit on me.. "It’s because things aren’t simple, that I can go on living." ... does she mean the challenges in life makes us go on living?



Lyrics:
Life
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Filled with mud in a town I’m not used to…
I can’t laugh the same and I’m walking with my head down
People – quickly passing by one another
Have they lulled their dream?
I’m still struggling
Rather then returning to your childhood days
I want to live in the present in a better way
I was born to be scared
I’ll go to a place where the sunshine fills
And spreading both arms out
will I be able to fly past that sky?
That’s what I thought
The wings that can make me fly away, are still invisible
It’s because things aren’t simple, that I can go on living.

I just pick up a small, wet puppy
And for a while I laughed so much that
My tears started to overflow.
“I just want to be loved, and loved again.” That’s what I said…
But I just can’t keep wishing for it.

In my childhood, there were
days that severely hurt my mama
I want to change it all
I go to a place where the sunshine fills
I want to tightly grasp this hand,
destroying that place, that time
I can change my life
But I really can’t tell everything that’s in my heart.
It’s because things aren’t simple,
that I can go on living.

I go to a place where the sunshine fills
and open up my map, but
I know… you know… that having doubts along the way can’t be helped..
I can change my life
All the days that have passed up to now
Have made the current me.
It’s because things aren’t simple,
that I can go on living.

Life... programming... goal and vision...

Was hanging out with my friend Cyril again and was talking with him on my work and him running a company. In one of the conversation I mention I was not getting anywhere at the moment (in terms of career)… it was interesting that he put forward the advice in a way of doing a programming project. When we start of a programming project we must have our objectives in mind and plan backwards from there. And it will help us to answer the why, how, where and when questions that comes. So in similar terms we have to have an end in mind, meaning a goal in mind (like maybe 20 years down the road I want to be eco tour guide). So you will plan out on how to get there… what you need to do first and what to do next…until it reaches back to your current state.

But what if I do not know or not clear about my goal? Well he could only say that it will be good to have a rough goal so it will get one started (rather then stay stuck)… and as one journey on it might change and you will have to adjust from time to time.

I guess that we must have a goal and vision as we move on in this life and I pray that God will guide and help me in that.

Advising a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend

Just this Saturday I met an old church friend at dinner and invited her to join me for dinner. She was not in the mood to eat… (initially thought it might be a excuse to diet). As we talked I soon found out that she broke off with her boyfriend recently and that explains why she was in a down mood.

I found out that after going steady for more than 5 years, her boyfriend decided to breakup with her due to a ‘third party’. I believe it was a really big blow or devastation for her. And this has made her go more often for mass, novena and also sometimes daily masses to seek God in her midst devastation of this break off. Which I believe it is a good thing that she is doing it.

Being a friend to her and seeing her in this condition I try my best to advice and share with her in hope that she will be better. As a single guy who never been in a relationship it is really a challenge. I was racing to recall what my guys friends who had went through relationship had share with me on the topic call “How to get dumped and still stay positive” two years back.... But my mind was empty on it… so this left me to only draw on my personal views and values that I know.

I told her that she has to face the facts and get on with life. And this is just a hiccup in life which in this life journey we will have to face. Make new plans, make new friends and go do new things.

One of the thing she mention is that she hope that God will make the guy to see that she is the one true love for him. I shared that it is not a very good idea to think of it this way as the focus is on the guy rather than what God will or plan that He has for her. She has to put her trust in God what ever is the out come.

I mention that it will be hard to get over this episode as she has attached to him mentally and emotionally. But one has to unwire and rewire to become a single again and continue with life. I ask her to think about God’s love and Jesus’ love and sufferings on the cross for us. And comparing it with Jesus… hers is small in a way.

I asked her to listen to the mass readings as they focus on love and God's love for this Sunday Mass.
First Reading: Acts 10:25-26, 34-35, 44-48
Second Reading: First John 4:7-10
Gospel: John 15:9-17
And also finally ask her to go for the coming singles retreat weekend (May26 to 28) call Choice weekend, which I have been involve for quite some time. I hope that this weekend will let her review her life and on the relationships she has.

On the way back home I was thinking whether the advice and sharing that I gave her was good (maybe I will ask some of my close Choice friends on it…) as I felt might have missing out on some things or not good enough.

As I was thinking through this matter, I look into my life and came to be aware that part of me at times would be like her. Although I had never enter into a relationship but I had approached before a girl (after much contemplation) to propose whether she would be interested in a more than friends type of relationship or what majority would say going into dating or courtship. And was turn down.

The interesting thing is I had fallen for the person in her and that I guess have partly made me harder to get over her or feeling that suddenly pop out of no where(maybe time will take care of it). When I encounter this I will go into prayer and ask God to help me through it. One of prayer request that I will say sometimes is “God I pray that you will give me another chance to propose to her” and it draw a similar parallel to what my friend had hope in her prayer that her boyfriend who broke off with, will come back to her. I felt certain selfishness in this prayer. Aren’t I suppose to trust in God and His plan for me? I’m made to serve Him… So rather then praying for a hope for a second chance, would it be a better to pray to be a better servant?… to be a better man?… so when the time comes for me to enter into courtship I will be a better person to serve God and who ever the woman that He has plan for me. ….

Thank you God for showing this to me and it is a good point to share with my friend.

Visit Uncle BI in hospital... nurses and love & passion to serve the sick

Today got a sms from Arne saying that Uncle BI had stroke last Friday and is still in Changi Hospital go for therapy and doctors still need to carryout more scan.

Decided to visit him straight after work. Did not know what to expect. Manage to reach there at 7pm. And was happy to see Uncle BI sitting up straight in this bed. But it can be clearly seen in his movement that he was having problem with his right side body.

He can’t close his right hand properly and could not hold a small bottle of water and walking is another issue too. He was feeling a bit down and grumpy about what had happen as all this business plans & appointment had to be postpone (until do not know when).

I was doing my best to advice him to take it as a time out from his business, start all over again, take things one step at a time. At the same time I guess it is an overwhelming experience of one to be zapped from a able person into a nearly half paralyzed person. I think it made me fearful when I thought about it to being in that position. For me all I can do for now is to keep living a health life style.

For Uncle BI, I guess he needs lots of therapy to rehabilitate his body and hopeful the doctors can find out the cause of the stroke.

While we were talking uncle BI pointed out there were many nurses from China. And they took care of their patients very well. Mmm… felt partly Uncle BI was trying to hint to me that they (the nurses) are nice girls too (why not get to know them…) …same old uncle BI.

So to divert the topic I mention that the nurses have a lot to handle in their wards. It is a challenging duty to take care of the sick and be there for them. Interestingly he mention that one can not enter into nursing due to money but ones love of helping people. Otherwise one will not last in this nursing profession.

As I sat in the ward and looking at the nurses take care of the patients a certain strong sense of respect of them came over me…and I felt I do not have that high level of love and passion (even thought I been on mission trip helping unfortunate people) that they the nurse have in serving and taking care of these people in their worst condition. Kind of place me in shame… but I guess God made us different and might have wired us differently to serve this world… so some people are more wired to serve the sick. As I look at the patients I pray they will get well soon… and there that feeling of compassion that I felt in Aceh and in Old Wanka that pop up in my heart… I guess what father JP said is true… we are born for love (call to love)… there will be that in-build love in us (be it big or small) as we are made in the image of Him.

The love of Christ urges me on

Was trying to edit the videos that I had capture on the mission trip late last night, I felt overwhelm with what I was doing. Not just with these videos but with work and other activities.

I felt I was just tired and just want to stop everything… from work, from church activities,… and go back Malaysia to just have a total break from things I’m currently doing rather than persevere with what I’m doing.

Interestingly I came across a ‘Food for Thought’ section in the Malaysia's Catholic Church newspaper on our pope’s vision on love transform the work Christians do to create a better world… it was kind of refreshing and encouraging.

The pope cautioned against becoming discouraged in face of the great needs encountered in the world. He wrote, ”There are times when the burden of need and our own limitations might tempt us to become discouraged.” It should be remembered, he commented that we offer God “our service only to the extent that we can and for as long as He grants us the strength.”
… He also wrote “To do all we can with what strength we have… is the task which keeps the good servant of Jesus Christ always at work: ‘The love of Christ urges us on’ (2Cor 5:14).”

I pray God that you help me with in my work and in my journey, to focus on you and on the work that I do for love and betterment of this world. Help me to help myself to stay on course with your will… in time of heavy burden, tiredness and being limited be there for me and remind me of your son’s love for us.

Scarf and pouch from Mae Sot

Brought home the scarf and pouch that I bought in Thailand at Mae Sot for mum. Happy that she likes the scarf. Did not quite know what to get for her but felt the scarf was nice and it was an earthy color which I like.

The money of these purchases will go to the Tak Border Child Assistance Foundation (TBCAF) to help the refugees children with their needs.

Grandmother from Burma...

Was showing some photo taken on the mission trip at the Old Wanka village near the Thailand and Burma border to my aunty. She then mention to me that grandma was from Burma too. She was a Burmese Chinese and came from a quite rich family then. Grandfather was in Burma for a time and met her and marry her there. Later they had to move to Malaya (that is what was Malaysia use to be call). And aunty mention that she suffer a lot as she came form a good family and do not need her work much and suddenly find herself in this rural area in central Johor far away form her own family… and now had to do house work and take care of the family… plus the pressures from the elder sister in law.

At the same time I was just wondering… what if they did not leave Rangoon for Johor?... what will dad be like in Burma in this bad military ruling. Then again I guess most likely they would have just move out too when things got worst in the country there.

Easter Art drawing competition... got 2nd prize!

Got a call two weeks back from one of the youth group (Maranatha Prayer Ministry) telling me that I had won the 2nd prize in the Easter Art drawing competition adult category. It was a total surprise to me. I felt the drawing I did was quite not up to the standard that I had (years back) did.



I guess it started has been a sudden feeling to just draw something and see how it goes when I saw the competition. It has been ages since I last drew anything. So decide to do something simple. Drew a guy kneeling and trying to reach God (that what felt at that time… trying to be with God). And I want to show the suffering that Jesus and we has to experience, thus the thorns came in mind… and I center it cutting at the center of the drawing. The left side of the drawing is ‘light’, where you get things that will help you grow closer and be more Jesus like. And on the right side is the ‘dark’ side, where you get things that take you… or distance you from God. As a human was stuck between these two sides.

Was happy to collect the 2nd prize last Sunday and it was a $30 voucher from CapitaLand… which allow me to use it at any of their CapitaLand malls. Had plan to use it to give a small treat to my Choice friends that I’ll meeting later… but turn out they could not make it. I guess I will keep it for another day.

Did I hear a ghost at IMH (Woodbridge Hospital)?

Last Friday night, Cyril and I decided to go for a jog at about 9:30pm at night. I mention to him that I plan to do a shorter running track rather than a 8km jog to and fro of Sengkang. We end up deciding to jog into Institute of Mental Health (IMH or Woodbridge Hospital).

We had run there once about a month back. There is a 1.5km jogging track around the institute. So we jog in there and go one round before heading back home. At the last 200meter of the jog in there… I hear a faint shouting voice that felt like someone shouting from a room near by from the hospital. Wanted to ask Cyril whether he hear it (the last time we jog here I hear it but he did not) but he was jogging 20 meters ahead of me. I guess it might be some sick guy shouting in his ward.

Later after the jog, when we were having our dinner, I asked Cyril whether he hear the faint shout from the ward at IMH. He told me he hear no shouting voice and also he had asked our friend Sarah who is will joining IMH on the wards in that area and was told they medical examination and check up wards. This means that there will not be anyone there at this point of time at night!

When I hear this… this is getting scary. There were questions in me “why didn’t Cyril hear it?... trying to scare me?”, “Why is it happening around the same section area?”, “Is what our friend Sarah say is correct?”, “Is there ghost sighting at IMH? ”. On the caution side I mention to Cyril that we will stay off jogging into IMH for the time being. Anyone hear any ghost stories of IMH? Do feedback.