Fractured little toe & seeing blood at hospital

I was at Tan Tock Seng Hospital A & E department two days back. I was queuing up to get my fractured little toe (what happen?... well poor landing/execution in my Aikido technique that made me crash on my little toe) to be checkup and maybe bandaged up by the doctor there.

It was around noon time when I queue up and I was the last person in the queue. And there was this vending machine near the queue an old man was buying something from the vending machine. So there was nothing really odd about it until suddenly blood just flow and splutter from the old man shorts on to the floor. I was just stun when I saw it. The old man quickly ran to the A & E front desk counter leaving a trail of blood.

This is my first time seeing such a big amount of blood flow in real life (the closes I got too in war movies). The old man just waited for a stretcher on a plastic chair near the counter. The blood stain on the chair was very gory and I did not dare to take a photo of it.

After four hours of waiting, seeing doctor, getting attended by the nurse and making my next appointment I finally left the hospital with a buddy splint. What a day...

CHOICE weekend… feeling vulnerable

The last weekend was the CHOICE 229th weekend. It was my second CHOICE weekend that I was presenting in. And it was most challenging weekend that I have felt so far.

The reason for saying challenging was partly due that I and another single presenter (Grace) was in-charge of the mass. And the main and most challenging part was that I was sharing the on the talk on sex and sexuality. In that talk I touch on areas that I had struggle with sex and sexuality and relationships (well it was maybe the not so bright side of me that I had touch on). I had a tough time writing the talk. I had one or two sleepless night trying to start on that talk. And when started I had to have a lot of time out from writing it… and also at one point I just felt that I wanted to switch and write another talk.

So why all these stoppages? I felt very vulnerable. I can only conclude that it brought out the weaknesses that I had as I shared in this topic. Revisiting all those incidents and event also brought out many emotions that I had went through which further amplify my weaknesses (some which I did not want to look at). I guess that there are thing also that he wants me to reflect on and face them.

There were times while typing I just stop and look down and in my heart just shout to God “Help me God, Help me God…”. I felt very useless, very weak… I guess I was calling for His strength and also His love for me to continue on.

The only image that came into my mind was that of Jesus on the cross as I continue to write (a close up picture of him bleeding). I guess God was telling me that Jesus too was vulnerable but He continues to love me even in times of darkness and pain.

I guess it is quite similar to what St Paul had mention in his writing in 2 Cor 12:10:
“Therefore I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.”

I believe that God is telling me also that life is a relationship also (other then a journey also). Just like Jesus wanting to have a relationship with us and he open up his love for us (God is love) which also made him vulnerable to hurt and pain just like us human.

God I pray that as I journey in this life, help to remind me it is also a journey of relationship with You and the people around me in this world. Pray that I may continue to have that love that Jesus has for me, to be in me to continue to love and serve in this world, even then times are bad, hurtful and pain. Let me live to trust and hope in you God.

Feelings of being turn down

Recently I was ask to write about “What sex is all about?”. There was a part where I talk about approaching a friend of my and asking her whether she would consider a “more than friend” type of relationship with me. And was turn down and agree to be just friends.

The workshoppers asked me to focus or write more on the feelings of being turn down and the struggle and challenge I face when moving forward.

When I was turn down, part of me felt sad. I guess this was due to “kena rejected” type of feeling and maybe also because it did not turn out as what I had wanted to.

I guess the challenge that I face was that I still have (more than friend type of) feelings for her and we had agree that we will remain just as friends. So first, I had to be aware of my feelings toward her and accept it (not to runaway from it). Second is that I’ll off and on have strong feeling towards her and I have to maintain our good friendship as we had agreed. So I guess it is kind of a challenge or struggle that one will face.

As I struggle with these feelings or that I wish I had not these feelings at times, I guess it is also a good thing that God gave us feelings (otherwise there will not be any romance or marriage). I guess I have to bring God into the picture. Be it single or couple or married… God is always in the relationship (like an invincible 3rd person). And I guess I have to lift up my feelings to God and trust in Him and seek Him as I journey on.

Leaves, railing and light… at peace

Yesterday I was attending a CHOICE Community Reflection Day. So we were asked to reflect upon a passage in the book call The Garden of the Beloved. Which talk about the Beloved (God) who created the garden, the Lover (Jesus) who is taking care of the garden and the Apprentice (disciple) who want to join the Lover in his work.

After reading through the passage we were call to go outside to have our reflection time. As I sat outside of the room to start reflecting, my mind was not calm. I guess I had came late for the session as needed some time for the heart and mind to be in the present. So to do that I just focus what was in front of me… and it was a nice view. In terms of lighting I like it as the light came through the top and through the railing slowly penetrating the fish tail palm tree (Caryota urines) leaves. The sight made me feel peaceful and calm me down… here is the photo.

Trying to write about sex but thinking about…

What’s sex all about?... I have been stuck at this topic for the past two hours. A topic I plan to present in Choice retreat. I can’t really thinking much at the moment… The only thing in my mind now is “How is miss R doing?” and “Will she be feeling better tomorrow?”.

So who is this miss R? R is a friend of mine and it has been quite sometime since I last saw her. And today I met her again at a function and she was not feeling well. And why am I “overly concern” about her? Well the truth is that I’m still having feeling for her. Yes, I had talk to her about having a more than friend type of relationship a long time back. But after we talk about it was clear that it was not the time for us to enter into a relationship and agree to be just friends.

I wish it is easily said and done but I guess it is not so easy for the heart to change… So while having these feelings I need to be aware and be responsible of it.

Recently I was asked “what will you do or tell the girl that you love if you know that you have a week to live?” I thought long and hard and say that “I will tell her that I love her, serenade a love song to her and fill her room with thousand of roses”. And my friend who asked the question said “so why are you not doing it?” I was stun a bit by his reply as there is certain truth in it.

But thinking through again I felt I had to have a responsibility on my action. Yes would have done those action mention and I will tell her that I wanted to let her know my love for her as she will be the last girl that I fall for and that she do not need to return it .

Bring it to my present situation I guess I will have a certain responsibility on our friendship and doing those things will just put unwanted strain and pressure to our friendship.

So coming back to the current topic about sex … so just like feelings we need to be responsible on sex too. So I guess responsibly is one of the value that I’ll touch on in my talk.

Dear God help me in my journey as a guy and as a friend. Guide me in my feelings, guide me in my thoughts and in my actions. I pray that you will take care of miss R and help her to get well soon. I do not know where you will lead me but let my heart beat as one with you.

The 2006 World Cup starts...

First match: Germany v Costa Rica
After two years of preparation, Germany's footballers finally get down to business today when they take on Costa Rica in the Opening Match of the 2006 FIFA World Cup™ finals in Munich...

Link: http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com/06/en/

Advocacy...

It has been a long day for me here but there are still a number of things for me to do. Before I start doing those things I would want to pen a word that has kept ringing in my mind since last Saturday. The word is advocacy. Why it caught my attention, well here is the story…

I was attending a Jesuit Refugee Service (JRS) meeting and the Fr Bernard the Asia Pacific regional director touch on one of the three mission element of JRS, which is advocate. Many people have the idea of advocacy as carryout criticizing, going public about certain things, rallying, protesting… but actually advocacy is building relationship. He shares some examples, like it was through communication and discussion with the prison authority that JRS was able to bring medical care to the refugees in the detention camps. It was through building good relationship with the government and authorities that better essential facilities were build for the immigrant community.

It might be a slow process but it works in this region. I guess we have to be creative carryout advocacy and having a good relationship is one of the important ways.

Superman returns…

Reminds me of baby milk ;)